Transmission

BECOMING BUDDHA / BECOMING CHRIST
By j. SNODGRASS

The Characters:

• Siddhartha
• Jesus

The Setting :

There is a large projected image in the background – on one side, a very round

golden Buddha statue.¬† On the other side, an emaciated, bloody, crucified Christ.¬† As the play begins, SIDDHARTHA sits up, meditating.¬† JESUS is curled on the ground asleep.¬† Then he awakens…

JESUS : …Where am I?¬† Ow…¬† My head…¬† I was praying…in a garden…¬† I must have fallen asleep.

SIDDHARTHA : I also fell asleep, beneath a tree.  I saw you here sleeping.  I recognized you.

JESUS : Yeah, I do a lot of

public speaking.  That bit about the sower of seeds, who just scatters them, willy-nilly?  I came up with that.  The crowds love it.

SIDDHARTHA : …Ah, yes.¬† A joke.¬† For in truth there is no sower.¬† There are no seeds.

JESUS : …Well, not literally, no.¬† It’s just a story.

SIDDHARTHA : But your…stand-up comedy is not how I know you.¬† I’ve seen you in visions, worshiped¬† as the Christ, the only son of God, who was with God before all things came into being.

JESUS : (Pause.¬† Then he laughs) Oh!¬† So you’re the comedian.¬† Only son of God!¬† That’s rich!¬† Just wait till I tell the guys I hang out with!¬† I couldn’t use it my routine, though, because it’s…you know…blasphemy.

SIDDHARTHA : Ah, yes.  You people fear your God.  But perhaps God does not exist.

JESUS : …Don’t say things like that when I’ve got a…headache like this…¬† Ah, well.¬† At least I don’t feel like that guy…¬† (Indicates the image of the crucified Christ)

SIDDHARTHA : …Not yet apparently.¬† But give it a couple days.¬† For that suffering figure on the cross is you.

JESUS : …WHAT!?¬† A cross!?

SIDDHARTHA : You were praying in a garden.¬† So this very night you shall be betrayed, handed over to the Romans.¬† They will put you to death…and then in the third century they will raise you up as their God.¬† Emperors will use your name to keep the impoverished masses from rising up against them.

JESUS : …Now I think I’m gonna be sick!¬† You mean to tell me I’m about to get hung up naked, die on a cross, and then turned into a God?¬† Why can’t I turn into a God now so I can avoid all that?

SIDDHARTHA : It is your karma.  And the cross shall become a symbol of your power.

JESUS : After I’ve died on one?¬† Slowly?¬† Painfully?¬† Naked?¬† And then I’ll become a tool in the hands of the oppressors?

SIDDHARTHA : Yes.

JESUS : Then I’d almost be inclined to agree that there’s no God.¬† Except…who else could have such a sick, twisted sense of humor?¬† But hold on a minute now…¬† As my head clears I think I recognize you too.¬† Puff your stomach out.

SIDDHARTHA : Like…this?

JESUS : Yes.¬† And now your cheeks.¬† Like you’re holding your breath.¬† Ah!¬† I see it now!¬† I’ve also had a vision of you, all fat and jolly.

SIDDHARTHA : …Perhaps you mistake me for your good friend Santa Claus?

JESUS : No, no, you were plated in gold, like…¬† Like that guy!¬† In the picture!¬† There you are!

SIDDHARTHA : I…beg your pardon…

JESUS : Can’t you see the resemblance?

SIDDHARTHA : Absolutely not.¬† Look at me!¬† I’ve spent the last six years starving myself beneath a tree!¬† I’m skin and bone!

JESUS : You shall be called the Buddha, the Enlightened One.¬† Although ‘the heavy one’ would be more appropriate.¬† Monks will observe strict doctrine based on your teachings, temples will be built.¬† King Ashoka will use your teachings to pacify and rule his vast Indian empire.

SIDDHARTHA: But this is not what I desired!¬† I don’t even have any desires!

JESUS : Of course not.¬† What’s left to desire when you’ve eaten that much food?

SIDDHARTHA : Look who’s talking!¬† I’ve heard rumors about you ‚Äì a glutton and a drunk, friend of tax-collectors and prostitutes.

JESUS : …Says the guy who abandoned his wife and child to go sit under a tree and pretend he didn’t exist.

SIDDHARTHA : I don’t exist.¬† My physical body, my historical identity ‚Äì none of this matters.¬† Only my teachings of the Dharma are real.

JESUS : There will be great struggles and divisions over a correct doctrine of your teaching that can be applied to all Buddhists.

SIDDHARTHA : An no less division ‚Äì not to mention bloodshed ‚Äì over a ‘correct’ dogma for Christianity.

JESUS : What, you mean there won’t be enough blood, from me being crucified?¬† People will need to go spill more?

SIDDHARTHA : I’ll do you one better, grasshopper.¬† Your followers will be so hot for blood, they’re gonna pretend to drink it.¬† Every week.

JESUS : This is insane!  I wanted to put an end to sacrifices!

SIDDHARTHA : And you will.  But the sacrifice of you will be ritually repeated every week for two thousand years.

JESUS : I can’t believe it.¬† I’ve spent my life fighting rigid religious structures and empty piety…

SIDDHARTHA : I sought to free people from the control of corrupt Vedic priests.

JESUS : …Have we failed?

SIDDHARTHA : Eh.¬† If you can’t beat ‘em…they’ll wait till after you’re dead, and say you joined ‘em.

Posted by: j. Snodgrass | Tags: interfaith, Jesus, skit