Ok God, I’m listening…
March 2, 2007
Today has been a day of reflection. Looking back and exploring my life and God’s role in it, I have started to realise that all along through paths unbeknownst to me God’s been there. Not like I didn’t know that on some level within my spirit, but ultimately I can see how God called out to me. I can see how even a childhood song like “Father Abraham” has entered my head in God’s more desperate moments of calling out to me, when I have been sitting on the edge, attempting to touch the flame, and then hearing God, and turning back and finding my way back.
I have been through both good and bad times and even in all those moments when I have questioned God’s role in my life, I can see God standing there, holding my hand, carrying me, guiding me slowly… step by step back.
I was discussing my experiences abroad and experiences of pure terror with a roommate tonight. Like my experience in Montreal, when I ended up homeless from poor planning on my part and ended up having my stuff thrown out (put in the basement) and a landlord after me for money I never owed (don’t know where he got the idea I owed him anything). The police ended up on the scene (I can’t remember how) and escorted me from the place to a “safe house” (read Salvation Army). I remember feeling so devastated from that experience. I remember crying for 2 hours straight because I was scared and alone. I had no one to run to, no one to trust, no where to go, but there…
It was in that moment that a transformation took place in my life and I realize now that God orchestrated that in my life. Why? Well, I needed that moment to prepare me for greatness. I needed that moment to shake me free of my fears of ending up homeless on the streets without a hope in the world. I needed that moment to strengthen my resolve and transform me. And that it did.
I no longer fear ending up homeless on the streets. I know what I can do. I know that I can make it out alive and that God will be there, walking with me. Little did I understand that would lead to 4 years of pain and anguish and hard times. Hard times where I would see the dark side of my soul and feel like I was walking through the bleak lands of darkness without God. I would feel that God wasn’t there. God’s wasn’t in my life or a part of my life. In fact I questioned if God even existed at all! And then out of pure desperation for change from 4 years of constant change and constant movement and knowing only slightly more than a hand to mouth existence (i.e. providing a roof, transport, and food for myself), would God deliver me into a period of more transformation!
However the difference between this transformation in my life and the times past is I am now empowered. Because God has placed in my life a path for forward movement, a path I so desperately sought and desired. Slowly but surely, I will find success. Here I am… on the road to greatness but not greatness sought by man… but rather greatness sought by the One who calls me to this life.
Today I saw God in my life so clearly because of two little things:
My friend and I were looking at our horoscopes. I don’t put stock in horoscopes usually as I find they are usually way off base for my life. However, this time it was like God was saying… “Here I am” as I was told blatantly through this means things I already felt I knew. Things I had been thinking or struggling with were there in the horoscope and it left me a bit astounded. Most people would think it’s the horoscope but I think it was God speaking to me and showing me God’s with me, reminding me, God loves me and reminding me of the call on my life.
Then I came home and a roommate was rather upset for reason I won’t go into but as she began to talk once again I felt God in the room with us as if orchestrating this moment, right here and now. I walked away thinking, “Ok God, I’m listening…”